


A Fearful Thing

by posiemania



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: F/M, Grief/Mourning, I need to stop making things sad, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Wakes & Funerals, this is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-08-31 10:11:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8574286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/posiemania/pseuds/posiemania
Summary: There's a funeral. The coffin is too small.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Shakespeare. Additionally, I want you guys to know the working title of this was "Oh look more fun".

Lucy had never been a large person, but she always took up so much space with her sheer force of will. Now that she’s in a coffin, though, she’s not taking up much room at all. The entirety of the cabinet has turned out to pay their respects to the Secretary of State and what’s left his family. Patsy didn’t come home; she didn’t want to have to see her sister buried. Maria came, knowing her father would need someone to look after him.

 

The worst part is knowing her death was an accident. An “accident”, because it was dark and raining and the driver  _ just didn’t see the girls crossing the street _ . No one’s really at fault, because you can’t blame the weather. The crosswalk wasn’t lit and Lucy’d been wearing a dark coat and it isn’t like the driver had been drinking and  _ no one is at fault, his youngest daughter is dead and no one is at fault _ .

 

Thomas hasn’t been sober in a week. He has nightmares every night of Lucy dying in the street, scared and abandoned. She’s dressed today in a blue dress that she’d hated in life. He doesn’t know who picked it for her. He doesn’t know who arranged all of the funeral. He doesn’t know anything, apparently.

 

“Thomas. Thomas.”

 

Washington’s been speaking to him. How long has that been going on?

 

“Thomas, Martha and I wanted to extend our condolences. Take as much time as you need to grieve, alright?”

 

Thomas nods and Washington moves down the line to Maria. Hamilton steps up, and for once, there’s no spark of fire in his eyes; it’s replaced with pity. Thomas finds he hates it. He doesn’t want anyone’s  _ pity _ . “Thomas,” Hamilton murmurs. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

 

His  _ loss _ ? His  _ loss _ ? Hamilton’s sorry for his  _ loss _ ? Like Thomas has lost an election or something, not his  _ daughter _ ? He starts to snap at Hamilton, but pauses. There’s tears in Hamilton’s eyes and Thomas remembers.

 

Lucy and Philip Hamilton had been dating. She’d visited the Hamilton household on more than one occasion and had apparently gotten along with them. He shuts his mouth and nods. “Thank you,” he whispers. “How’s Philip doing?”

 

There’s a pained twist to Hamilton’s smile. “He’s struggling. We didn’t make the kids go to school this week. Didn’t seem fair.” Thomas nods. “Tell Eliza I said thank you for the flowers,” he replies. Hamilton nods back. “I’ll do that.”

 

Then he’s moved past Thomas, on to Maria. Adams is next, and they don’t say much to each other, considering their friendship. They’ll talk later, after the visitation, after the funeral. They’ll talk over the shitty casseroles well-wishers leave him. Why do people do that, he wonders. What’s the point? No one can eat all of the casseroles they get after a funeral.

 

He knows this because he still remembers Martha’s funeral.

 

The funeral begins, and Thomas sits in the pew. The pastor speaks and speaks and speaks, and Lucy’s not there. Lucy’s gone, and she’s not coming back. She’ll never doodle on the back of his reports or make sarcastic comments watching his press conferences.

 

“Lucy Jefferson was a bright girl, one who loved and was loved.”

 

Bullshit. Why is there even a pastor here? He’s an atheist. Lucy was an atheist. Why did someone bring a pastor to an atheistic funeral?

  
He breaks down in the pew and cries.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas goes back to work the day after the funeral. No one else thinks it's a good idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry that I am doing this to you. Also myself. This is sad????
> 
> Also, I do not have a beta, all mistakes are my own, please tell me if you find any, etc.

He pulls into his usual parking space, gets out, locks the door. He remembers bringing Lucy to the office when she was little, when she had days off school. He remembers Lucy bringing him lunch when she got older, staying and talking to him about work, acting as a secretary from time to time.

That's not going to happen again.

It's the day after the funeral. It's time to go back to work.

-

When he steps off the elevator onto his floor, he hears the noise level drop entirely. No one _breathes_ for a minute, and then Hamilton. It's always Hamilton. Hamilton says, "Thomas, no one expected you back yet." Thomas shrugs. "I figured it was better than sitting at home and doing nothing." Hamilton nods like this makes sense, and all Thomas can think is _Stop pitying me. I can see you pitying me. Stop it._ He doesn't say that though. He doesn't say anything in response to the multiple murmured condolences as he walks over to his office.

He locks the door.

-

Some time later, Hamilton knocks on the door. "Some of us are going to lunch. You coming?" he calls through the door.

Lucy would've made him go, he thinks. She would've told him to socialize with his coworkers.

He doesn't reply.

-

There's a picture of Lucy on his desk.

Well, it's not just Lucy. He's in it too. Lucy was seven. They'd gone to Disney World for her birthday. In the picture, Lucy's dressed up as a little Cinderella, the whole nine yards. She's even got plastic shoes on that look like glass slippers. He doesn't know where he got them from. He doesn't know where they are now. He has Mickey Mouse ears on and a shirt with Tigger on it. He still has that shirt. Uses it to sleep in. They've just come from meeting Cinderella. Lucy's smile is stretched across her little face.

He throws the picture at the wall.

-

"Thomas, _go home_."

Washington keeps saying that. Like it'll do anything. Like saying it over and over will make him go home. He wants to tell Washington to fuck off, to tell him he doesn't get it. But he knows Washington is probably the only person in the office who does get it. Washington doesn't have any kids anymore. They're both dead. Comparatively, Thomas is fucking lucky. He's still got two kids.

He doesn't feel lucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will probably edit this chapter later because I feel like I want to add more but???? We'll see.
> 
> Contact me at posiemania.tumblr.com!!

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know if there's weird grammar issues here; I changed tenses a lot here and I probably messed it up a lot.
> 
> Follow me on tumblr at posiemania!


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